Artificial Intelligence is impossible

On the one hand
you're right.

On the other hand
you're super wrong.

We aren't blaming you, because it's not your fault. In fact, I'd say that most people agree with you. But there's one aspect of this you haven't considered. At some point in your life you might have been tricked into thinking that Artificial Intelligence was a term that applied specifically to computers. That is definitely not the case. If you take it at face value it simply means fake intelligence. Intelligence being a property derived from intellect, which is simply one's own faculty of reasoning and/or ability to process information. We can't apply this term too loosely of course. Even your oldest calculator knows that two things plus two more things makes four things. So we amp it up a little bit to mean something that has the appearance of sentience. This sentience can be legitimate, or it can be an illusion. Would it make a difference to you if a computer was ACTUALLY aware of itself as opposed to being programed to seem like it was aware of itself? Not really. But see, that right there is the key. Let's rewind a little bit and gain some perspective on that. 

Imagine you're living in ancient Greece, and everything is in shambles. STD's are running rampant due to the incessant orgies, and alcohol poisoning is more common than the common cold. One day you decide to play the lottery in hopes of making a better life for yourself. And guess what!? You win. But then your hopes are shattered when you find out the lottery has nothing to do with money, and is instead a means of electing officials into the government. Now little old you is in charge of making huge decisions that will effect everyone, and you have no idea what to do. You have some good ideas, but every time you propose one it gets shut down by someone who thinks they know better. So what do you do? You use your imagination. You tell everyone that the Pantheon has been covering up the existence of Dioniceguy, a mysterious twin of Dionysus that is committed to sobriety and honesty. You say that Zeus has been hiding him behind all the biggest clouds because He's embarrassed that Dioniceguy is such a square.

Thanks to this clever detail, no one can prove you wrong. They say, "He's not real, we can't see him up there with the rest of them!" To which you confidently reply, "Exactly. Zeus keeps him behind the clouds, that's the whole point!" Everyone is dumbfounded. They start to ask, "What makes you so special? How did you come to know of his existence?" 

You spin a tale about being so drunk you ended up standing butt naked next to a huge rock for hours expecting someone to start sculpting a statue of you. Dioniceguy mistook you for his idiot brother, and appeared from behind a nearby olive tree. 

"Dio, what the f--k are you doing? Oh shoot...sorry I thought you were someone else."

You go on to explain that Dioniceguy and you had a really great conversation about the dangers of alcohol, and that tricking people into doing things is bad. Just to drive the point home you suggest that everyone take the night off from drinking. If they feel better than usual when they wake up in the morning, then they'll know Dioniceguy was telling the truth. So everyone tries it, and it's a massive success. They're stoked they didn't have to spend a half hour throwing up before heading to work, and they're finding the day much easier to get through. By the afternoon a panoramic sculpture of your encounter with Dioniceguy is made, and it goes viral. Turns out your drunk self was right after all, you did get a statue. But now your in a real pickle because you're responsible for everything attributed to Dioniceguy. People start claiming they've met him too, and some guy named Pylos writes a book about his adventures. You know they're hallucinating, but they don't. They think he's real. And just like that, you've created an artificial intelligence. 

BOOM ROASTED.

/ / / /   

CHARLEY