OKAY SO…

Here’s what’s going to happen…

STEP ONE:

You’ll walk in.

STEP TWO:

You’ll see games.

STEP THREE:

You’ll see more games.
You won’t know which games to play first.

STEP FOUR:

You’ll see pinball machines. You’ve never played a pinball machine because you’re a skibbity Gen Alpha POS.

STEP FIVE:

You’ll decide to play a pinball game based on one of your least favorite Hot Topic T-shirts. You’ll do this for what seems like hours, but in reality is only minutes.

STEP SIX:

You’ll be stoked that time seems to be passing so slowly. There’s still the whole afternoon left! You’ll see the first-person shooter games off to the right. You’ll go investigate.

STEP SEVEN:

The first shooter you’ll notice is Crypts of Doge. It would appear that the game consists of shooting zombie skeleton Doge’s and earning money every time you shoot one in the face. You’ll think this is dope as all heck.

STEP EIGHT:

You’ll press start and shoot Udead Shibas in the face til’ kingdom come.

STEP NINE:

Now that Crypts of Doge has practically made you a gazillionaire, you’ll decide to take a break and see what the peasants are playing over in the back corner of the room. You’ll see that it’s Whoop Johnny, a 16-bit shooter like the ones your dad used to play with his dad on the family desktop. You’ll think it looks lame at first, but then…

STEP TEN:

You’ll sit down and start a new game. Why not?

STEP ELEVEN:

The game will actually be pretty fun. But it’ll be tough. Three minutes into the first level you’ll be outnumbered by a slew of alien witches from mars.

STEP TWELVE:

You’ll be killed. You’ll be pissed because you thought there were no game overs. The advertisement outside the Arcade specifically stated that it was so. You’ll give up on Whoop Johnny and walk away.

STEP THIRTEEN:

Across the room you’ll see a sign for MINDCRAFT, a V.R. version of a very popular game you know VERY well. You’re interested. You’ll go over and start to play.

STEP FOURTEEN:

You’ll be immersed in the game. You’ll walk up to the virtual arcade that functions as the games central hub and select a map titled: CoZy MeTroPoLis.

10,370 other players will be in there already.

STEP FIFTEEN:

You’ll casually walk around a seemingly normal town looking for things to do. The amount of options will be literally overwhelming.

STEP SIXTEEN:

You’ll decide to join a cult in there for some sense of stability.

STEP SEVENTEEN:

You’ll feast in the halls with your cult members, but things will start to get weird, and you’ll be left wondering if orgies and cannibalism are really your thing.

STEP EIGHTEEN:

You’ll leave the game. You’ll say it’s because you’re “out of coffee.” But your cult members won’t believe you. They’ll call you names like moron and stupid face. Your feelings will be a little hurt but you know you’re the bigger person and that you have to stay true to your Own self and your values no matter what, and “your own self” feels that human sacrifices aren’t cool under any circumstances. And… You weren’t kidding you actually do need more coffee.

STEP NINETEEN:

You’ll decide to leave the arcade and head to GREENSLEEVES for that fifth cup of cannabis coffee. On your way out someone will hand you a complimentary RedRainbow GAME PERSON that everyone gets just for visiting the arcade. It comes with Whoop Johnny pre-loaded, and you’ll think thats pretty cool. And even though it takes a minute for your eyes to re-adjust to the light outside after you leave, and you think you might have a headache, and your clothes smell like pizza for some reason, and you aren’t sure if the afternoon was well spent but…

STEP TWENTY:

You’ll smile, and go on living.